Drive of the Living Dead

   Kentucky is renowned for its lush landscape, bourbon whiskey, thoroughbred horses, beautiful women, the ability of Democrat voters to vote after death and unquestioned fanaticism of UK  basketball fans.
   Today, I acknowledge a shortcoming in some of my fellow Kentuckians.
   When the temperature drops and the snow starts falling, normally sane drivers turn into braindead zombies right out of "Night of the Living Dead."
   Like the "Trickle Down" effect, this intellectual lack starts at the top.
   When politicians and bureaucrats go on the air and start saying how "ready" they are for the oncoming snow/ice storm, it's not reassuring. It's a warning!
   I had to go to work 2 hours early. Turned on the radio and heard Mayor Greg Fischer of Louisville proudly proclaim, "We have brine and salt up to the gills and 68 trucks ready to spread it and keep the roads clear in the Metro."
   I knew all hell was about to break loose in the Demokratik Peeples Republik of Louisvile. I got to work with time to spare and had a final cig and some coffee before earning my wages for the day. The rain was coming down harder and harder.
   At 9:45, my supervisor informed me I had been selected for the "Monthly Random," handed me the taxi voucher and told me the taxi was coming. Okay, no problem. Shut down my machine, grab my coat and wait for the taxi with another selected for the monthly random drug test.
   The maintenance crew was putting down salt on the walk ways as the rain was now rain/sleet. I grab my smokes out of the truck and see ice on it. Taxi comes, and the driver tells us the roads are getting slippery. At least he had a clue, so the transit to/from the Golden Palace was smooth. We saw a couple of people who slid off the road or into each other. No injuries.
   But no trucks. No brine on the roads. Nothing.
   Finish out the day and look forward to going home. The second shift people tell me the roads are slicker than snot on a doorknob, there's about 1/4 to 1/3 inch of ice/slush mix on the roads and the temperature is dropping.
   It should be obvious to even the most ardent Liberal that Mother Nature is telling us to SLOW DOWN. While I freely admit most people shown common sense by slowing down and increasing following distance appropriately, there's always a few who just don't get it, even when the facts are staring them in the face.
   Five minutes after leaving work, I saw my first spin out. A guy thought he could beat the yellow light, hit the gas, spun right through the intersection. He did a beautiful 540 (that's a complete circle plus a 180) before coming to rest. Luckily for him, he didn't hit anyone or anything.
   Traveling down Fern Valley Road, one of the major arteries of the DPRL, the majority of people are driving sanely, but the braindead zombies are coming out in force. They're mostly yuppies in small cars thinking of getting milk and bread while they zip in and out of traffic like a slalom course. Add in a few people in SUVs or 4 wheel drive vehicles thinkng the laws of physics don't apply to them either, and you have potential for vehicular mayhem.
   Some kid got rearended by an SUV. One lane blocked, but it's not my lane, so I cruise past and watch these 20-somethings taking pics on their cell phones of the accident. I wouldn't be surprised to see a "selfie" online before too long.
   Yeah, we're having fun now.
   I hadn't seen any of those 68 vehicles dispensing salt and brine all day long. I just shake my head as I get on I-65 and breathe a sigh of relief for the DPRL (Demokratik Peeples Republik of Louisvile) is in my rear-view mirror.
   I-65 isn't any better. In fact, it just got worse because now its four lanes of potential motorized carnage until you hit the county line and then it narrows to three lanes.
   It's actually 3 slushy lanes and a barely used left lane.
   Again, most people are driving safely and sanely. It was 35-40 MPH at best. But there are a few assholes who believe their vehicles are immune to the laws of physics. Still no sign of those 68 trucks dispensing brine and salt. I am seeing more people who succumbed to temptation, get into the mostly unused left lane and slid off the road.
   Then you have the special breed of licensed retard I call "The King of the Road."
   By and large, I have no problems with truckers. Ninety-nine percent of them are GREAT drivers and handle their rigs with skill, finesse and safety. Most of them are doing about 30-35 for they know (probably BETTER than most people) that it takes far longer for them to stop on snow and ice.
   But  1% of the truck-driving community has watched too many "Smokey and the Bandit" movies and think they own the road.
  Mr. King of the Road blows past me at 65 in the left lane. Guess he's got some quality time planned for a "lot lizard" (slang for a prostitute who works truck stops) and he can't get his deposit back if he's late. A few minutes later, he's just a blur.
   I get to the "choke down" point where four lanes become three lanes as the DPRL becomes a distant memory when I see Mr. King of the Road finally realized that when the tires fail to maintain a grip on the icy surface, he is going to miss his appointment with his lot lizard. He slid right off onto the middle median of grass. I know God (or who/whatever) was looking out for him because he kept the rig from flipping over. Brought it to a nice stop.
   I wish I had a camera, because that would have been the perfect depiction of Karma assraping him with a cactus and announcing to the world he's now King of the Median. I couldn't help myself and laughed while I plodded past.
   All I could do was just drive safely and sanely and keep my distance from the morons that took a 40 minute trip and turn it into a 2.5 hour Drive of the Living Dead.